In my first post I touched a little on the extremely conservative nature of my family, but that doesn't even begin to describe the outlandish group of people to which I sometimes wonder if I am actually related. I hate to sound like I am bashing these people...in fact, I think they are all pretty hysterical if I'm being honest. Nevertheless, what they think is funny, acceptable, and pretty much NORMAL is different from 90 percent of the people I know. Their sense of humor has rubbed off on me, but their judgmental view of the world outside of our family is something I can't quite relate to. Again, I don't want it to sound like I don't like my family, because that would be one HUGE misconception. I just want to emphasize how...interesting they are. Tradition is everything: weekly trips to a local Mexican restaurant, second pew in the balcony for church, and summer vacations. Now when I say my family, I don't mean my mother, father, brother, and I, but the entire 15-member clan. Try seating and appeasing 15 people. Not an easy task.
I think you get the point that my family is conservative, and that they consequently don't drink (we are the last dry county in Alabama...imagine that). They know, though, through a few not so desirable situations, that I have had the occasional drink. Nevertheless, "I am more responsible now." I "don't go to Sky Bar anymore." Well that facade completely dissipated when my nosey little 12-year-old cousin hacked into my phone and announced as everyone was opening Christmas gifts, "Now we have proof that she goes to bars and gets drunk!!" He then proceeded to read aloud a text conversation that I had had the weekend before. GREAT. Silence and awkwardness filled the room, and at that moment I could have slapped his big head harder than I have ever hit my brother or my roommate. Of course the attention soon shiften to my aunt. She was opening her third gift from Dick's and proceeded to say--and repeat infallibly--"Ohhh goodie, more dicks! I love dicks!!" Umm....#awkward.
Some of our most intense family traditions surround the holiday season. The night before Christmas Eve is our annual trip to McAlister's Deli (which I hate) and then to a movie. This year, word got out that my other female cousin, my wingman, was bringing someone to our movie night. Most families would have been excited for a new face to come along, but not the Reynolds clan. You would have thought one of us had flunked out of college, robbed a bank, and sold cocaine on the streets just to get by. "This is a family thing, just for family," they would say, "it's tradition." Well at this point I am somewhere between panic over the absence of a date of my own, and relieved I didn't have to go through the torture of being scrutinized and embarrassed in front of the said date.
Okay side note: my family thrives on making fun of one another. Now when I say one another, I mostly mean me and my older guy cousin. I should take this time to give them a shout out for thickening my skin and preparing me for any kind of embarrassment through the use of countless less than flattering nicknames and many public displays of humiliation.
Now my family knows that I am serious about my threat to elope to avoid all awkward and mortifying moments that are sure to ensue once a boy is brought into the picture, especially if he isn't fluent in sarcasm and fully equipped with witty comebacks. Needless to say, I was nervous about the new boy coming to movie night. No worries, though, she--as would I--backed out entirely. Whewww...blood, sweat, and a few tears were saved there. Okay, back to movie night. After we made a scene walking through the mall, failing to censor inappropriate comments and loud conversations about passing gas and why thats a problem, my aunt proceeded to ask the man selling tickets if he could move a movie to a different time so she wouldn't have to be up so late. I think you know what his answer was. Keep in mind the whole time we are there, and anywhere for that matter, I am constantly being badgered to talk in every different accent I know to random passers-by. Ummm...NO I think I'll try to keep my chances of finding a boyfriend as high as possible. Don't worry though, if they think I should talk to a boy, they will either do it for me, or make sure the boy has seen me, them, and wants to run as far away as possible. It's incredibly attractive.
I hate to drag this on any longer, but there is so much more I could say about my Christmas break. Whether it be the inappropriate game of Mad Libs we played on Christmas Eve or the night's endless underlying sexual innuendoes, they always make for an entertaining holiday season. Maybe I will touch on that a little later. I promise this whole blog won't revolve around my family, but sometimes they will inevitably make their way into my stories.
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